The secret sauce of relationships: Emotional Validation

We’ve all had moments where we just wanted someone to listen—not fix, not judge, not interrupt, but simply understand what we’re feeling. That’s where emotional validation comes in. It’s a simple but powerful way to show empathy, build connection, and foster emotional wellbeing. In today’s fast-paced, solution-oriented world, emotional validation often gets overlooked. However, learning to practice it—both with ourselves and others—can transform our relationships and our inner world. The great news: Emotional validation is a skill you can learn!

What Is Emotional Validation?

Emotional validation is the process of recognizing and affirming a person’s feelings—your own or someone else’s—as understandable and worthy of acknowledgment. It doesn’t necessarily mean you agree with the reaction or viewpoint; it simply means you're making space for the emotional experience, without judgment. Emotional validation can be offered to others, and just as importantly, practiced within ourselves through self-validation—acknowledging our own emotions with compassion and understanding.

Think of it this way: If emotions are waves, validation is the shoreline that says, “Yes, I see you. You’re real, and you’re allowed to be here.”

Why Emotional Validation Matters

1. It builds trust and emotional safety.
   When people feel seen and heard, they’re more likely to open up. Emotional validation fosters deep connection by creating a safe space for vulnerability.

2. It helps regulate emotions.
   Being validated can calm the nervous system. When we feel emotionally understood, our brains shift from a fight-or-flight state to one of calm and clarity.

3. It reduces conflict.
   Many arguments escalate not because of the content, but because one or both people feel invalidated. Saying “I get why that upset you” (and really meaning it) can change the entire dynamic of a conversation.

4. It encourages self-awareness.
   Validating your own emotions helps you understand what you’re feeling and why. This is key for emotional intelligence and mental health.

Common Forms of Invalidation

Sometimes, invalidation happens without us realizing it. Here are a few phrases that might seem helpful but often shut down emotional expression:

• “You’re overreacting.”

• “It’s not a big deal.”

• “Just think positive.”

• “Other people have it worse.”

While these may come from a place of good intent, they can make someone feel dismissed or misunderstood.

The Six Levels of Validation (from DBT)

Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), developed by Dr. Marsha Linehan, outlines six levels of validation. These levels help us become more intentional and skillful when offering emotional support. Here they are, from most basic to most advanced:

Level 1: Being Present

Simply being physically and emotionally present with the other person. Making eye contact, listening attentively, and putting distractions (like your phone) away signals: “I’m here with you.”

Example: Sitting quietly with someone who’s crying and just being there without trying to fix it.

Level 2: Accurate Reflection

Repeat back or summarize what the other person is saying to show you're listening and understanding.

Example: “So you’re feeling overwhelmed by how much is on your plate right now.”

Level 3: Reading Minds

Validate feelings that haven’t been directly expressed. This shows emotional sensitivity, especially if the person is struggling to name their feelings.

Example: “I’m sensing that you're hurt, even though you’re saying you're fine. Is that right?”

Note: Be gentle with this—don’t assume, and always be open to correction.

Level 4: Understanding in Context

See how the person’s feelings make sense given their history, personality, or current circumstances.

Example: “Given how hard you worked on that project, of course you’re frustrated it wasn’t appreciated.”

Level 5: Normalizing

Communicate that the emotional response is valid and that others might feel the same way in a similar situation.

Example: “Anyone would feel anxious before a big presentation—it’s totally normal.”

Level 6: Radical Genuineness

Connect with the person in a fully authentic and human way. This means dropping any sense of hierarchy or “therapist mode” and speaking from your heart.

Example: “I’ve felt something like this too—it’s hard. You’re not alone.”

More on How to Practice Emotional Validation in Daily Life

1. Listen without interrupting.
   Avoid jumping in with advice or your own experience too soon.

2. Name the emotion.
   Try: “That sounds really painful,” or “I can see why that made you angry.”

3. Avoid judgment.
   Emotions are not good or bad—they just are.

4. Practice self-validation.
   Say to yourself: “It’s okay that I feel this way. My emotions are valid, even if they’re hard.”

Conclusion

Emotional validation is more than just being nice—it’s about showing up for someone in a way that honors their emotional experience. DBT’s six levels of validation provide a framework for doing this more skillfully and compassionately. Whether you’re supporting a friend, a partner, a child—or yourself—validation is a powerful tool for connection and healing.

Next time someone opens up to you, try moving through the levels. Even just reaching Level 2 or 3 can make a huge difference. You don’t have to fix anything. You just have to be there—and let them know their experience matters to you. As mentioned earlier, emotional validation is a skill—and like any skill, it can be learned. If it doesn’t come naturally at first, that’s completely okay. Feeling awkward is part of the process. Keep practicing, and with time, you’ll see why it’s the secret sauce behind strong, healthy relationships.

Want to Go Deeper?

Try this journal prompt:
“What’s one emotion I felt this week that I dismissed or ignored? How can I validate that feeling now?”

References

Linehan, M. M. (1993). Cognitive-behavioral treatment of borderline personality disorder. New York, NY: The Guilford Press.

Linehan, M. M. (2015). DBT® skills training manual (2nd ed.). New York, NY: The Guilford Press.

Fruzzetti, A. E., & Iverson, K. M. (2006). Intervening with couples and families to treat emotion dysregulation and psychopathology. In D. K. Snyder, J. Simpson, & J. N. Hughes (Eds.), Emotion regulation in couples and families: Pathways to dysfunction and health (pp. 249–267). Washington, DC: American Psychological Association.

Shenk, C. E., & Fruzzetti, A. E. (2011). The impact of validating and invalidating responses on emotional reactivity. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 30(2), 163–183. https://doi.org/10.1521/jscp.2011.30.2.163

This blog post was co-written with the assistance of ChatGPT, an AI tool developed by OpenAI. All content has been reviewed and finalized by the author.